Embracing Change

The most significant and beneficial transitions in my life have been the result of involuntary change. During these times of upheaval my internal conversations were always the same… “Why is this happening to me?”… “This is not what I planned!”… “This loss is too painful.” The anxiety and uncertainty I felt from these disruptive events in my life drained my energy and clouded my thinking. I felt out of control and frustratingly lost.

In recalling one of these significant events of forced change, I clearly remember being 21 years old and failing to get into medical school. My entire life until that rejection letter arrived was focused on becoming a doctor. I didn’t have a backup plan and now that I was graduating from college, I had no idea what my future had in store… I had no vision.

I was so fearful of this unanticipated disruption to my new start in life that I woke each morning in a cold sweat… asking myself “what am I going to do with the rest of my life?”

Amazingly, this unplanned occupation disaster turned out to be the very best thing that happened in my professional career. Instead of becoming a doctor… or worse a shrink, I created an exciting and remarkable journey as an entrepreneur. Life is extraordinary in this way. Almost everyone experiences moments of disruptive change. We lose jobs, break up with lovers, acquire an illness, experience the death of a loved one… and we are forced to adapt.

The most disruptive, painful changes in our lives often generate the most positive, joyful, satisfying results. This is a subtle and introspective “Secret of Life”. The earlier we learn this secret and apply it to our perception of life’s challenges… the quicker we learn to seize new opportunities. Personally, it took three painful, confidence shattering, faith testing, uncontrollable life changing events to learn this important lesson. In all three extremely troubled situations, the most significant, positive life changes resulted after a relatively short, but painful time period of adaptation. In retrospect, I left behind my strong attachment to the old and moved forward with effort and desire to embrace the opportunity of new.

The important mindful realization that change is constant and that we can with energy and effort, control our attitude toward change is certainly an integral component of this subtle “Secret of Life”. I am lucky that disruptive change and unmanageable forces in my life taught me that change drives growth, it motivates action, powers transformation, and causes new ways of thinking. Change is inevitable… change is constant… change is great!

I no longer just embrace change, I pursue it. I am addicted! I find it exhilarating, challenging, motivating. I often change things just for the sake of it. For me change is an adrenalin rush. My attraction to change has turned into a lifelong quest for something new… new experiences, new learning, new business models, new adventures.

Ease of change does not come naturally to some. It can be difficult for people who deny or resist… it can be uncomfortable and feel risky. Often our minds are conditioned to feel safe where we are, and frankly many people don’t even want to change.

But here we are… completely engulfed in a world that is accelerating change economically, technically, socially, politically, scientifically. If we don’t embrace it, if we don’t leverage it, if we stay the same, that sameness will lead to inertia or even worse, we become mediocre. And mediocrity is the black hole of energy. What do you want to be? Mediocre? Or do you aspire to greatness? So, get moving and change something important today!

PASSION

This week I had the privilege of spending some quiet quality time with two extraordinarily successful people. They are about the same age, live in different worlds, are of opposite sex, grew up in dissimilar cultures, and from a glance seem very much unalike. But spend a little personal time, and you are immersed in their powerful emotion of passion. One individual is the President of the world’s largest publishing company; the other is the CEO of the world’s largest rough diamond distribution company. Immensely powerful, successful individuals who share a common “Secret of Life”… Passion.

Passion motivates. Passion drives action. Passion inspires new standards of excellence which produce outstanding results. These two apparently dissimilar individuals have risen to the pinnacle of their professional worlds by focusing their passion to make a positive difference in the world they touch. With vision they lead change; with intensity they innovate. Their true and personal desires fulfill their intrinsic needs and inspire people to achieve great results. Passion is a contagious emotion that excites activity, builds momentum, and is powerfully magical. And if you read my previous blog… passion can inexplicably place you “In the Zone”.

Okay, we all get it. Passion is a good thing! But how do I find my passion, how do I fall in love with my mission in life… with my “career”, my “family”, my “whatever”? I don’t have any simple formula for falling in love with life, but I can share with you some insights in my own transformation, from frustrated, stuck, unhappy diamond merchant, to enjoying 15 years of pure passion, building and leading the “Hearts On Fire” brand.

At 35 years old I remember clearly having an intimate conversation with a dear friend of mine. “Rosie, I just don’t feel passionate about anything”. “I feel stuck and unfulfilled”. “Is this what life is all about?”

This initial conversation, the verbalization that I recognized dissatisfaction with the state of my being, was a first step in my own passion awareness. I wanted to feel “more alive”. I wanted to experience excitement, enthusiasm for my life. I wanted most of all, to be engaged in a vision that created change that would lead to greatness. I wanted to feel all the molecules of my mind and body energized and driven by purpose to a new place. I wanted to wake up from my deep sleep of mediocrity, and look forward to each new day with a renewed, positive mindset. Not an easy task.

For me the first step toward restoring and building passion in my life was recognizing its absence. The second step was a quantum leap… my bank failed! Yes, probably the worse emotional experience of my professional life (Bank of New England, Jan 1991 failure) turned into the best motivating force of my career. I was thrown off the treadmill of life, because of an event outside of my control, forced to stop… to think about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. What skills would I need to build a new existence? How would I find my passion?

When in doubt, when in search… learn something new. I pushed myself outside my comfort zone at the ripe young age of 40 to re-invent myself. This required study to acquire new skills. (I went to seminars and the Harvard Business School for marketing, finance, accounting). It demanded letting go of habits that weighed me down; it forced me to face my fears and to embrace uncertainty. The more I learned, the more driven, the more passionate I became. New knowledge generated excitement and passion in my being for new and expanding experiences. The more I learned, the more I earned. I challenged all my beliefs and re-evaluated all my aspirations in life. My personal standards evolved as my being evolved. Instead of good results, I now aspire to greatness. No longer do I “try” at life… I “do”. The greater the aspirations, the more passionate I have grown. Sometimes my passion is expressed verbally, other times physically through body language, and often it is manifested as sheer will.

I am lucky, even blessed. Not only have I found my passion, it demonstrates itself every day in two wonderfully complimentary paths… my extraordinary marriage and the magic of the Hearts On Fire brand. My marriage is without question the very best thing that has happened to me. It provides balance, consistency, fun, and unconditional love in my life. Hearts On Fire has become a driving force, an intensity, an obsession to nurture and to share with the world. To me, Hearts On Fire is passion. It provides a vehicle of creative expression, an infrastructure to make a positive difference in the lives it touches. Today the magic and power of the Hearts On Fire diamond symbolizes and communicates the very best in personal values and human emotion.

Wow! Create a dream… add passion and unyielding determination and you have a movement that takes on a life of its own. It doesn’t get any better than that. Passion is and has always been a powerful “Secret of Life”.

In the Zone

Do you ever feel that you are exactly in the right place at the right time? Do you ever feel “in the moment”, “in the game”, “in the flow”, “in a rhythm”…“in the present”? All of these phrases are different vernacular for the same mental state of being “In the Zone”. I define this mindset as a perfect moment of heightened awareness; a sense of deep connection to our surroundings, and being fully immersed with energized focus. In these precious moments of being “In the Zone”, one experiences an emotion that I can best describe as feeling joyful, lucky and blessed all at the same time. It is when we are so concentrated on the activity that we lose sense of time and become totally absorbed in experiencing the task before us.

Great athletes always aspire to be “In the Zone”. For them, it is the culmination of practice that suddenly appears effortless in a natural rhythm of movement. Talented musicians can experience a similar mental state. They merge, if not lose themselves into their music, intensely feeling the creation of sound, harmony, and connection to other musicians. Artists “In the Zone” become one with their medium and intuitively channel the flow of creativity in their expression and work.

Getting “In the Zone”, staying there as long as you can, and finding it over and over again (since we inevitably fall out of “The Zone”) may be one of the most challenging “Secrets of Life”. People who spend as little as 20% of their conscious lives “In the Zone” accomplish astonishingly more, are happier, healthier, generate positive energy and make a positive difference in the lives they touch. People who spend 50%, 60%, 70% or even 80% of their conscious lives “In the Zone” often change the worlds they live in. They are considered top in their fields of sports, education, religion, business, philanthropy, science and artistic creativity. They are the masters of their lives.

So….how do we get “In the Zone”? Frankly, I don’t really have an exact answer. I know I can’t force myself “In the Zone” or even predict when I will enter….it just happens. But I can speak to my state of mind when I am lucky enough to experience it. First, I am highly motivated and laser focused on the activity. Second, I am completely immersed and intrinsically motivated in the experience. For me, it helps to have a detailed goal that pushes me out of my comfort zone. I need a challenge that drives me with unyielding determination to accomplish the goal. If the task is too easy, I don’t get there... If the reward is only extrinsic, I don’t get there. If I don’t push my skills set and immerse myself in a new experience that absorbs me into the moment… I don’t get there. This is why my entire life I have been addicted to change and am in constant search of new, expanding life experiences. For me, being “In the Zone” is a lifelong passion.

Today, I am writing this blog on top of a mountain in Carmel, California… lost in time as the sun sets majestically over the Pacific in a breathtaking fire of reds, oranges and yellows. The air is perfumed with eucalyptus and jasmine, and the breeze is moist from the light fog coming in from the sea. I am in awe of the moment, surrounded and absorbed by the beauty of nature, yet challenged by how to clearly express this elusive “Secret of Life”….being “In the Zone”.

The Secret Recipe for Romance

Exactly two weeks ago Susan and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. It was off the charts amazing! Imagine the setting… dinner for two outside under the stars, on a private terrace overlooking a waterfall surrounded by candles, flowers, and the sound of our personal music that has accompanied our 35 years of perfect moments. We experienced a uniquely orchestrated Japanese dinner of special appetizers, special sashimi and sushi, special fruit, and of course special champagne and a special sake called “Divine Droplets”. Yes… special, special, special… ahhh, special! Our skilled master sushi chef created what can only be described as art. Our intimate, romantic experience encompassed a perfect evening that lasted over five wonderful hours. It was a dream. We created memories and reflected on memories of our lifetime of adventure. We danced, we hugged, we kissed. We felt the richness of our lives and the depth of our love. It was a beautiful thing.

How, after all these years can we love so deeply, can our romance feel so intensely? Why do I, when asked about my life, immediately and without hesitation say… “The best thing that has happened to me in my life is my marriage”? Romance is truly one of the more personal “Secrets of Life”.

I am not claiming a unique recipe that we can mix together creating a magical formula for romance…. Frankly, every day of our 35 year marriage has not been perfect. We have our ups and downs, successes and failures, excitement and boredom.

During these 35 years we have confronted our share of challenges, yet overcoming and understanding our bumps in the road has only made our romance stronger. We have grown much closer together instead of apart. Our relationship, our understanding, even our passion has evolved to new heights.

OK, enough already with all this mushy stuff! How did we end up more passionate, more in love than our beginnings? The first ingredient in the “Secret Recipe” of romance is "respect". We respect each other’s differences and in many ways honor them. I love Susan for who she is and Susan loves me for who I am. We are extraordinarily different. Susan loves the mornings and is in constant motion. I embrace the afternoons/evenings and can be still for hours. Susan excels at details; I adopt the big picture. Susan executes, I dream. Our differences make us stronger, even synergistic, because we respect and nurture them. We play to each other’s strengths and have learned to rely on compensating for each other’s weaknesses. Our romance is a true partnership.

Partners don’t ever compete. Ingredient #2 in the romance formula is “never compete with each other”. One person always loses. Losing is not romantic. Romance is all about embracing the moment in unison… not winning or losing. Create your life with your significant other that includes separate responsibilities for daily tasks, and don’t manage, compete or interfere in each other’s jobs without an invitation. Second guessing each other is not the definition of trust. Will your romantic partner do it differently than you? Most likely yes! So What!!!

Ingredient #3 and possibly the most powerful element in romance is “be thoughtful”. Being “thoughtful” is about recognition, acknowledgement, and surprise in a relationship. It is about making your partner feel unique, special, and good about themselves. It is stopping and celebrating perfect moments, accomplishments, and major milestones. The advanced art of romance is finding these “thoughtful” connections in everyday activities… in sharing together a smile, a touch… including each other in a spontaneous moment, and recognizing as a couple the joy and contentment in the ordinary and the magic of the extraordinary.

What would a recipe of romance be without a secret ingredient? The secret sauce, the spice that takes our romance to exceptional heights is “intimacy”. Intimacy is being the best of friends! It is a feeling of closeness, of total trust, fulfillment, and of complete acceptance of each other’s differences. It is a very safe place with no secrets, complete commitment, absolute truth, kindness, laughter, and openness to unselfishly sharing thoughts and feelings. It’s a place to have fun and fall in love over and over again. It is vitally important to keep the magic, the sparkle in romance by finding every opportunity to express your deepest emotion. A gentle, sweet kiss, a passionate hug, an unexpected “I love you”, a warm snuggle adds a dimension to our lives that brings completeness.

Romance is one of the most challenging “Secrets of Life” because it takes two souls, two loving and committed partners to achieve success. I know this blog is long but if you can hang in there for just one more suggestion… “schedule romance”!!! Yes, take turns scheduling a night, a weekend, a surprise moment… and don’t stand on ceremony or principal. If your partner misses a turn just schedule another, and another if necessary. It is truly a powerful “Secret of Life” to pursue, nurture, and value romance.

How do you create romance in your life? Is anybody out there that can share a romantic moment? Your personal comment will make us all feel connected.

The 80/20 Principle

Ever wonder why some people seem to accomplish more than others? Why some are happier than others, are more successful, have more free time? It is not all genetics, childhood experiences, or even education… it’s what we spend our time on that really counts.

I believe in a natural imbalance of our efforts. Wow! Those nine words sound heady… even esoteric. But what I am really saying here is that a minimal amount of our efforts or inputs generate a disproportionate amount of our results or outputs… an important, powerful “Secret of Life” is the 80/20 principle.

The reason the 80/20 principle is so valuable is because it is counter-intuitive. We tend to believe that half of our efforts will generate half of our results… that life in general should be equally balanced… that our problems and opportunities are equally weighted… that all customers, products, sales revenue, inquiries, phone calls, emails, even days of the week have similar significance, have roughly the same value. This is simply not true… when we carefully analyze the true relationship between effort and results we clearly see how unbalanced life is.

So, why should we care? Whether we realize it or not, this “Secret of Life” affects our entire personal world. It applies to our work, our families, our friends, our happiness, even our spiritual life. I use it as a lens to focus my view of what is really happening around me. When we truly realize that 20% of our efforts produce 80% of our results it can change our lives… forever.

How? By choice, by substitution, by taking control over our time, action, and priorities, we can dramatically improve the quality, achievements, even happiness in our lives.

Many of us already apply the 80/20 principal to business. We know when we review the statistical data, 80% of our profits come from 20% of our products, 80% of our revenues are generated by 20% of our customers, 80% of our market awareness is a result of 20% of our marketing efforts. This means that most of what we do is far from efficient. We simply waste resources, time and energy… day in and day out.

Here is where the great opportunity, the powerful “Secret of Life” resides. If we discipline ourselves to simply stop doing the bottom 20% of our activity that produces the least effective results in our daily lives… and instead substitute that time, that energy, doing more of the most effective activity (top 20%) we can create a positive, leveraged, multiplying result with the same efforts. We can become super productive by just prioritizing and substituting what we do. Can you imagine the power of stopping the bottom 20% of what you do and focusing instead on the top 20% of your most effective, efficient, efforts?

I am not suggesting blowing your life up with radical change. What I am advocating is that we review our daily lives and identify the small minority of inputs or efforts that have a major, leveraged impact on our outputs/ results and do more of that. Press up whatever is working, and do less of what eats time and resources. When I am applying the 80/20 principle; I may choose not to answer every email or message, I don’t take on other people’s work when they try to give it to me. I avoid wasting time on low value activities by not letting low value activities control me. I prefer not to hang with people who drain my energy. The 80/20 principal drives us to create our own lives by substituting efforts, by setting priorities that will greatly improve the quality of our lives. Why just let life happen when we can consciously apply the 80/20 principal “Secret of Life” to strategically set us free?

Why Worry?

For a guy that came from a family that didn’t value worrying… I am pretty good at it. My mom had no- and I repeat no worries in the world. Her personal philosophy of life was “Whatever bees, bees”. It was so frustrating at times when I couldn’t get my own mom to worry with me about my “Big” worries that I thought she might be absolutely clueless. My Dad wasn’t too far away on the worry scale. His coaching was “If I thought worrying would help, I would encourage you to do more, son”. “Life is round” he would say. “It goes up and down, and that’s just the way it is.”

So how did I become such an expert on worrying? For me there is good worrying and bad worrying. I guess being an overachiever with aspirations off the chart drives me to carefully analyze issues. I am always looking for the right answers to my questions and find myself constantly risk managing decisions. This is where good worrying enters. It motivates me. When I work harder to succeed, when I am truly aware of controlling my emotional worry, when I move forward with unyielding determination and focus… I successfully get out of my way and leave my comfort zone. Worrying drives me with a sense of urgency.

I lead by creating change; I achieve by positive action; I am fulfilled by having a sense of purpose.

So what’s the big “Secret of Life” here?

Write down what you are worrying about. List your worries large and small and track them for a year. My prediction is that none of those important worries from a year ago will be on your mind a year later. Whatever we are worrying about today is the most important thing in our life but where will these worries be a year from now? 99%of these worries will never happen.

We need confidence… better yet faith, that what we finish will turn out OK. My personal experience is more extreme. From the worst experiences in my life, from my deepest despair and worry, the very best results have ultimately prevailed. Repeatedly, life has turned out better than I have planned, better than I have worried.

What is unhealthy is to feel sorry for ourselves when our lives are turned upside down. Instead we need to confront our anxiety, fear, worry, and initiate action to meet the bumps in the road. In April of 2009, at one of the most challenging moments in my business career, I spoke intimately with two of my trusted advisors. I said to one, “K, I am worried about the business” and he replied, “Create Plan ‘B’”. Simple and direct. Stop worrying and take action.

My other advisor met me for lunch and when he recognized my sorry state of worry we proceeded to drink large quantities of wine. At the end of lunch “B” said to me, “This is just a giant, deep pothole in your journey... Look beyond this pothole in the road… You have to see that you will come out the other side.”

Exactly one year later (2010) all of those insurmountable worries were not on the list. Quiet the mind, take action, and have faith that whatever action we complete, whatever responsibility we fulfill will turn out better than we could have planned.

So, why worry?

Show Me Don't Tell Me

My Dad died. For the past three weeks I have been totally immersed in the emotional experience of life’s natural cycle… the passing of my last living Parent. For me it was loss of unconditional love, a Dad I affectionately and respectfully called “Boss”. The “Boss” was a sweet, gentle man who was a strong and wise teacher. Our relationship was always intimate and allowed my father to easily pass on to me… a willing and open student… many of his “Secrets of Life”. In honoring his journey, I wish to share with you my most valuable inheritance from Joseph J. Rothman.

My Dad was first and foremost a “Mensch”. He believed at his core that the most important value in life was to be a “Mensch”. I can best define a “Mensch” as a true, responsible human being with integrity. He taught me many lessons about how to deal with the ups and downs of life, about taking action “By the Numbers”, but the most important lesson he drilled into me… my Dad had been a master Sergeant in the US Army so he knew how to drill you… was “Show Me Don’t Tell Me”. He would stand tall, cup his hands and thrust them out at me and say, “Son, show me, don’t tell me”. It was a powerful teaching of accountability and perseverance… but more importantly it was his way of teaching me integrity.

“Show Me Don’t Tell Me” is “Walk the Talk”. And as a dear friend from Hong Kong described it… “Integrity of Tongue”. In life we must do what we say we are going to do. Our words need to take on a life of their own thru committed action. Who are we if we don’t honor our own voice with integrity… with honesty in carrying out our promises, our intentions?

If we analyze “Show Me Don’t Tell Me”… we see the depth and richness of this basic teaching. Several connecting lessons and life forces that flow through this simple, laser focused concept… awareness, accountability, and perseverance.

Awareness is being mindful before we speak. Thoughtfulness in the moment will bring clarity to our words, to our promised intentions.

Accountability drives positive action. If we say we are going to do something, than we must hold ourselves accountable to our words… responsible for our own voice. The more we discipline ourselves to be accountable for what comes out of our mouths… the more success, contentment, fulfillment, and integrity we create.

But awareness and accountability of what we say are only as effective as our willingness to persevere. If we can’t “Walk the Talk” or better yet survive with dignity and faith at what life throws at us, then we are not truly willing to hang in there to make it happen. Either we persevere or we betray our own voice.

My wise 92 year old Dad spent over four years, yes four years, on the front lines in Europe during WWII fighting daily for his life and the many men whose lives he was accountable for. As a fighting group they needed to be aware… Zig when they were required to zig and zag when the needed to zag. As a team they were totally accountable and bonded to each other for survival… and if they didn’t have the strength and commitment to persevere they put each other’s lives in jeopardy.

No wonder my Dad, my “Boss”, the Sarge, drilled into me the importance of “Show Me Don’t Tell Me”. It was core to his existence; it was his personal experienced “Secret of Life” to pass on to me, his son.






Dad at 92- dancing in the kitchen with his favorite Daughter-In-Law, Susan